as many of you know, on the twenty-fourth
of this eleventh month
my role as myself will be up for re-election.
i hereby pledge the following election promises:
to my lover, i promise to be forty-percent more sassy.
i will add a further fifteen minutes to
our weekly love-making time,
i will be twice as effective in quashing anxieties,
and i will be less abrasive in respects
to your sleeping habits.
to my cat i promise to begin a ‘pet revolution’,
to my neighbour i declare the beginning
of a ‘ladder of witty greetings’,
to my flatmates i will impose a zero-
tolerance approach to floating
poos left in the toilet bowl, and to
cat hair and loud noise and crumbs.
to my parents i promise thirty more
phonecalls per house per annum
and downward pressure on surliness and
childishness.